Grief Club on Triple J
Some of you might remember that Grief Club was recently featured on Triple J radio station’s current affairs program, Hack.
I sat down with Hack reporter, the wonderful Jo Lauder, to speak about death, grief and what motivated me to create a community for those of us craving a connection with something more relatable than cringey quotes or cliched comments.
For those who weren’t able to listen, I have added an excerpt of the interview transcript below. I’ve also included a link to the full Hack episode if you would like to listen in - Grief Club is featured about twenty minutes into the episode.
Listen to the full episode here or read the transcript below.
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Dave Marchese: We’re going to talk about something that affects all of us - grief. Everyone experiences grief at some point in their life. Maybe when you lose a parent, a grandparent or a partner. It can be the most isolating experience because when it happens to you it feels like something only you can understand. So a Melbourne woman is trying to change that. She’s set up a grief club to help young people navigate these intense emotions. Jo Lauder explains.
Amy Dorrington: I just wanted to make a space, a safe space and inclusive community for young people. That was relatable. Because, you know, I would search on social media for something that resonated with me when I was going through this. And honestly, like, it was just a lot of live, laugh, love quotes. And, I mean, I love that, I'm a fan of that. But it also just wasn't really what I was looking for at the time.
Jo Lauder: Amy Dorrington has been through one of the hardest experiences we ever face in life - losing a parent. Her mum years after she was given a terminal diagnosis.
AD: Mum died in 2019 of ovarian cancer. She was initially given three months to live when she was first diagnosed. But we were lucky enough to have her in our lives for twelve more years. So it felt like we'd been granted bonus time with her. And the interesting thing about that is, when someone you love is given a terminal diagnosis, you begin grieving for them while they're still alive. But that was a strange blessing. Because in some ways, we were able to mentally prepare ourselves for her death, which is a real privilege in itself. Not everyone has that opportunity.
There's like this sense of relief when they do die, which sounds really awful. And you feel guilty for even saying that, but, you know, you're just kind of relieved that they're not suffering anymore. You're relieved that they're at peace, you're relieved that life isn't just revolving around their illness now because someone's illness doesn't define who they are as a person. And that's not how Mum would have wanted to be remembered.
JL: On top of the grief of losing her mum, it’s an experience a lot of young people haven’t been through, and Amy says that at times it felt incredibly lonely and isolating.
AD: Many of my peers didn't really know what to say, or how to act around me, because they had never experienced that kind of loss. But I remember a friend who had tragically lost both of her parents in a short space of time, telling me that I was now a member of this special kind of club. I actually found comfort in knowing that I was now a part of this weird little community. Like, it's not a club that anyone really wants to be a part of. But, you know, there's, there's comfort in that. And that ended up being how I decided on the name of the project - Grief Club. It became my way of connecting with people who had had similar experiences.
JL: Grief Club is the name of the Instagram page and site that Amy started up to help her and others through this experience. It’s nothing official or formal - it’s a collection of memes about grief, heartfelt pieces written by young people about their own experiences with grief and how that’s affected their connection to culture or identity, how lonely it is losing a sibling. There are playlists like ‘happy tunes for crappy days’. Amy says she started it because she couldn’t find that kind of space online.
AD: I found there was a bit of a gap in terms of content online or on socials where it was young people talking about their experiences with grief. Part of that, I suppose is because a lot of young people haven't actually been through that yet. But at the same time, I realised in my own experience that a lot of people I knew actually had also lost a parent or lost a sibling or lost a friend. It's more common than you think.
JL: Culturally, we’re not comfortable talking about death.
AD: We haven't really been taught how to deal with death, or how to deal with someone who's just experienced such a loss. And, you know, there were some people when I went back to work that just sort of pretended that nothing had happened. And I was like, do they not know? Surely they know - there was an email that went out to everyone! Is it just better to pretend this didn't happen? Maybe that's what some people think. But I definitely think yeah, there's never a right thing to say. Like nothing's going to fix it. But pretending it didn't happen is not the answer.
Dr Lauren Breen: So often, people have said to me that, you know, I've been out to the shops, and I've seen someone and they've looked at me and realise, oh, oh my goodness, and literally run away, left their shopping trolley and literally ran away because that's how uncomfortable grief is for people.
JL: That awkwardness around grief is something Dr Lauren Breen knows a lot about.
LB: You know, definitely not just an Australian thing. It's definitely something that's recognised internationally. But yes, we're generally most societies or at least societies where we've done this kind of research and not necessarily great with grief.
JL: She’s an associate professor of psychology and her work focuses on grief. She says it often feels like a lonely time, but that doesn’t mean it’s uncommon.
LB: A lot of young people have experienced the death of someone close to them. But it's often not something that we talk about. So it's very, very common for young people to feel like they're the only ones. They're the only person in their class and the only person in their social group.
JL: Lauren Breen says it’s important to learn to sit through that awkwardness to help out a friend.
LB: It's not something that we are generally very good at knowing what to say. And a lot of people feel like, I don't want to upset the person. So I just won't say anything that of course, that is usually more upsetting than trying to say something and being a little bit awkward about it.
JL: For Amy, she says it’s really important to point out that she’s not a professional and doesn’t want this to be a substitute for therapy. But it’s about bringing down those walls, feeling like you’re less alone with your loss, and reminding people that it’s okay if you don’t just want to post ‘live laugh love’ quotes to get through your grief.
AD: In an ideal world, I think therapy would be accessible for everyone. Unfortunately, that's not the case. So I think it's important to provide alternative spaces and encourage people to connect with whatever they resonate with most. I try to avoid sharing any form of advice on Grief Club, because I'm not qualified to do that. I'm not a psychologist. But I also believe that there's real value in sharing stories and talking to each other candidly about death, because it's an unavoidable part of life. ✿
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