Grieving my brother’s death in a pandemic
Interview with Cameron Mackinnon
Transcribed and edited by Amy Dorrington
Content warning
This story discusses suicide and mental illness. If you're in crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or find more contact information on our Resources page.
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What’s your earliest memory of death?
I was exposed to death at quite a young age so I became pretty desensitised to it.
I remember going to my grandad’s funeral when I was four or five. When I was 11, my aunty died. Both my grandad and my aunty lived in the United States and I lived in Australia so I only saw them once a year.
When I was 12, my best friend died in a boating accident. I remember my friends told me on MSN and I thought they were joking until my Mum confirmed the tragedy later that day. Because I was so young I think it took me a couple of years to properly comprehend and process it.
You tragically lost your brother to suicide in April 2020. Can you tell me a bit about your relationship with him?
He was seven years older than me so he was in high school when I was eight, so I didn't really get what he was going through. At some points, it felt like I was growing up as an only child.
He studied journalism and in his early twenties (when I was about 15), he went on a youth cadet program to East Timor for two years. He helped run a national newspaper and translated Tetum, the native language, to English. This was around 2009 when East Timor was still a pretty volatile place. The year prior, the East Timorese President had been shot in an attempted assassination by rebel soldiers.
When he got back to Australia, we became really open with each other about mental health and our relationship strengthened. He was the most loving, down to earth, selfless person. He would hear your problems and feel those emotions. He was so empathetic that he carried the weight of other people's emotions and thought it was his job to make things better. He was really quiet but could be the life of the party when he needed to.
Over time, my brother became hypersensitive and stressed out about the state of the world. I think a bit of PTSD haunted him for a while. For the last few years, he was inside his own head and for whatever reason didn’t want to ‘burden’ anyone with how he was really feeling.
Did you ever think he was at risk of suicide?
No. I didn’t know he was at risk. I knew he’d battled with depression and anxiety for quite a while, but he didn’t want to worry anyone. He never went into detail about how dark his headspace really was, so nobody thought he was at risk. He didn’t even tell his psychologist the full story.
Do you think the pandemic contributed to his deteriorating mental health?
I think the pandemic had a big impact. He was working as a landscaper so he didn’t have much business because of COVID and he missed hanging out with his friends.
But as shit as the pandemic has been, it's really shone a light on mental health. There’s still a stigma around mental health because people can’t see it; it’s a silent killer. In the last decade, suicide rates have spiked drastically among the younger generation so I think it’s finally becoming more talked about now.
If it’s not too difficult, could you tell me about your experience of the time surrounding your brother’s death?
He was staying with Mum and Dad in Meanjin (Brisbane) for a couple of weeks in between leases as he was about to move into a new share house in West End.
Every day when he woke up, my brother would go for a walk for an hour or two. On this particular day, he went for his walk and ended up missing for much longer, so Mum and Dad started to get worried.
I was in the middle of lockdown in Naarm (Melbourne) and my parents didn’t want me to worry, so I didn’t find out he was missing until the following night. I felt helpless when they told me because I wasn’t there, so I spent that entire night messaging all my friends in the area and a bunch of them actually helped with the search.
The next day, we still hadn’t heard anything so I decided to book flights back home so I could help with the search. I was about to head to the airport the following morning when Dad called me to say they had found my brother.
The funeral was the hardest day of my life so far. But strangely, about two or three days later I processed everything and accepted it for what it was. I wanted to be strong for Mum and Dad and being there with them definitely helped my grieving process. Restrictions had just eased so I was also able to go out with friends and get some support.
As much of a heartbreaking situation as it is, I knew my brother wouldn’t want me to spiral into a deep, dark hole and throw my life out the window. It’s still very sad and I’ve gone through many different phases of grieving but I think accepting it early on helped me get back to a somewhat ‘normal’ life.
Have you felt a level of responsibility to be there to support your parents through this?
Definitely. Part of why I went back home was for them. But this whole time we have had really amazing support. People were cooking for us, taking my parents out for coffee and being so generous with their time. When I left to come back to Melbourne two months later, it was really emotional.
How did you return to ‘normal’ life after such a devastating loss?
There was a point where I was decided I needed to get back to work because it actually helped me process everything. I think because I was filling up my time with work and productivity, when I did sit down and write in my journal, it was mindful, reflective thoughts rather than just raw pain and anguish. I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone, because going straight back to work can be hectic, but I think in the long term it helped me put things into perspective.
It’s weird when people say, ‘you seem so fine!’ because it may seem like I’m dealing with this well, but it doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten who my brother is. It’s the same with any kind of heartbreak or significant loss. Just because someone is moving on with their life doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten that person. They just don't want to be stuck in the past.
Did you notice any changes in your other relationships after your brother died?
I've always been very open about mental health and I wear my heart on my sleeve. In the first month, whenever I saw people, they were walking on eggshells around me. I’d just say, ‘We both know this has happened so don’t pretend like it didn’t.’ I didn’t want them to think they couldn’t ask me questions about it. I didn’t want to be treated differently because it would make me feel worse and would mean I couldn’t be myself around my friends.
My friends have been checking in on me more regularly, which I genuinely appreciate and it’s changed some of my relationships for the better. It’s one of the silver linings to come out of a shitty situation.
It’s common to feel anger after a loved one dies by suicide. What kind of emotions did your brother’s death raise for you?
I never felt anger. I never blamed myself. Of course, there were the ‘what if’ scenarios spinning around my head, but I was aware that if I went down that route I was never going to come back. It’s a natural emotion whenever someone dies by suicide. You always ask yourself, ‘could I have done more?’ but it’s not constructive.
How do you reconcile with not getting closure?
I think it will be a lifelong process. It all comes down to acceptance. It’s a stoic mentality to have, but it's about accepting the fact that I’m never going to know why or how it happened. I can’t control it and I have to learn to be okay with that. By accepting it, I’m letting it go.
It’s hard though and everyone is different. Whether it’s going through a pandemic, losing a family member or losing a pet, accept and know that no matter what you feel, understand that it’s valid. Feel whatever you’re feeling because you shouldn’t be judged. Once you realise it’s okay to feel that way, you can start the grieving process.
What would you say to someone struggling with their mental health?
Don't be afraid to speak to a professional or to friends or family - whoever you feel comfortable with. Research what strategies work for other people, but also what works for you. Find ways to help yourself grieve but also deal with your mental health on a day to day basis. Whether it’s exercise, meditation, stretching, writing, reading, whatever it is. Find what works for you and just do it. Never let work or other people get in the way of you making sure your mental health is right.
How would you comfort someone who has lost a loved one to suicide?
I was speaking on a mental health panel recently and I remember Ali Taylor, the CEO of Listen Up (a mental health music charity), made a good point - that people who are trying to support someone struggling with mental health often think they need to solve a problem or offer advice, but most of the time the person just wants someone to listen.
Find out what that person needs and be there for them. Hug them and let them cry. Some people just want their feelings heard and validated. Refrain from giving your opinion because what you say may not help them - sometimes saying less is more. You don’t need to be Gandhi in that moment.
Unfortunately, sometimes people become defined by their illness, but there’s so much more to a person’s identity and sense of self. How do you think your brother would like people to remember him?
He was a very humble person and never liked to have the spotlight on him but I would like him to be remembered for his big beautiful smile and the way he’d help anyone in need before he’d help himself. He was the most selfless and genuine person I’d ever met.
There were so many times where he would meet someone for the first time and within 20 minutes he would have them talking about their lives as though they’d been friends for years. He was the most engaged listener and was enthusiastic about everything which made everyone feel special and loved. He was very charismatic.
I don’t like the expression, ‘he’s in a better place now’, but I find happiness in knowing that he isn’t in pain anymore; he’s at peace and he lived a very full life. On a humanitarian level, he achieved a lot more than most people would in their entire lives. He’d be very embarrassed by what I'm saying!
Has your brother’s death impacted your approach to life?
It has 100 per cent changed the way I conduct relationships, work and my personal life. It’s given me my life’s mission. My goal is to be an outspoken advocate for mental health and to help the community.
Focussing on those silver linings has helped me move on. Of course, I'd rather my brother was still here, but instead of getting stuck in the past, I look at all these beautiful things that have happened. I have become more self aware, I’m the healthiest and fittest I’ve been in five years, I’ve shifted my focus to not be just about work 24/7.
If you’re going to focus on the negative and focus on the past, your mental health is going to be stuck there. If you focus on the beautiful things happening in the present, you free yourself. Everything I do now is for my brother. I want to continue to make him proud. ✿
Interview has been edited for clarity.
Image Description: film photograph of a person (Cameron) at night. He has light skin, a dark beard and is looking into the camera, smiling. He is wearing a yellow sweatshirt with a hood that covers his hair. The background is complete darkness.
